Dear Haya,
I’m in my 20s and reaching out for advice to navigate my relationship with my strict father.
My father is very traditional, and as I mentioned, a strict one. Even though I know he cares for me, I find him to be very difficult to communicate with and express myself to him openly. My interactions with him often leave me emotionally drained and guilty, which is affecting my emotional wellbeing and confidence. In our family, daughters are closer to their mothers, but there are instances where even they are unable to convey our messages to our fathers. I don’t want to be someone who doesn’t know how to communicate her feelings out of fear of aggression or resistance, if and when needed in the future.
Could you please help me understand how I can build a better relationship with my father and communicate better with him in a healthy manner, all while ensuring his respect and our cultural values?
— A distressed daughter
Dear distressed daughter,
Thank you for sharing such a relatable query, as this is very common among South Asian households. Many fathers were raised in environments where authority, emotional restraint and obedience were seen as care. Love was expressed through protection, provision and control, not through dialogue or attunement.
I hear your longing to want to be close to your father, yet a pull due to his strictness. There is a longing to be understood by him and wanting to express yourself openly. But every time you try, it leaves you feeling drained, guilty and let down. It’s like you want him to understand your feelings, but he doesn’t.
You may feel guilty because you have been conditioned to associate self-expression with disrespect, which has compounded over a period of time, creating emotional suppression, self-doubt around your own needs and fear of authority and conflict.
These patterns can follow you into adult relationships if left unaddressed.
I see you wanting to address them and find a way to build a healthier relationship and communicate better with your father.
Let’s take a look at how you can do that.
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1. Presume good intent: As you said, your father’s intentions towards you are pure. He cares for you even if you may not always feel that way. So try to look at it positively and know that he only cares for your betterment.
2. His behaviour is a reflection of him: The way he responds and behaves is a reflection of him, his beliefs around how he should be, around the conditioning of roles he has received growing up. It’s not personal to you or your worth. Many fathers were not taught emotional language. They were taught responsibility over relationship. Control over connection and authority over vulnerability.
3. Build trust: The first and foremost step in any relationship is building a strong foundation. Spend time with him alone, participate in activities with him, accompany him and make plans together.
4. Redefine respect: Sometimes in South Asian respect is often misunderstood as silence or compliance. But in reality, respect is not the absence of voice, it’s the presence of boundaries delivered with dignity.
5. Initiate communication and build confidence: As you build trust and spend time with him, slowly start with small nuggets of communication, a request or a statement. Learning to speak now will build confidence for later. Boundaries with parents strengthen boundaries in other areas as well.
6. Choose content, not complete honesty: Not every feeling needs to be shared, ask yourself if the conversation necessary and whether the audience and time is right.
7. Understand your own needs: What are you hoping for him to give you emotionally? Can you give yourself some of that now?
8. Regulate yourself before the conversation: If you enter a conversation anxious or emotionally charged, you are left feeling guilty. Before you speak, slow down your breath, decide one message and accept the outcome may be neutral not warm.
Your father may never be exactly how you need him to be, and that is a reality you will need to face. You cant change another person but you can work on your communication, internal fears, relationship and communication skills.
The work you want to do will aid you in learning clarity, boundaries and building self-trust which will directly shape your romantic relationships, your ability to advocate for yourself, your sense of safety in conflict. Your father may never become emotionally expressive, but you can still become emotionally articulate, grounded and confident.
Best wishes,
— Haya
Haya Malik is a psychotherapist, Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) practitioner, corporate well-being strategist and trainer with expertise in creating organisational cultures focused on well-being and raising awareness around mental health.
Send her your questions by filling this form or emailing [email protected]
Note: The advice and opinions above are those of the author and specific to the query. We strongly recommend our readers consult relevant experts or professionals for personalised advice and solutions. The author and Geo.tv do not assume any responsibility for the consequences of actions taken based on the information provided herein. All published pieces are subject to editing to enhance grammar and clarity.
