Psychology says children throw tantrums when parents are in a hurry, and it is not always stubbornness

The school bus is about to arrive, the tiffin is packed, and you are already running late for work. But your toddler suddenly refuses to wear the shoes you have laid out, insists on a different water bottle or starts crying because you will not let them finish one more round of play. The more you hurry, the more they resist.For many Indian parents, this is a familiar morning struggle. Similar scenes unfold when it is time to leave a birthday party, switch off the television, get out of the park or hurry through a supermarket.

It is easy to interpret these moments as stubbornness or deliberate defiance. But a young child’s tantrum may have more to do with their still-developing ability to manage frustration than with an intention to make life difficult for a parent.Psychological research helps explain why transitions can be challenging for young children, how caregivers can support emotional regulation, and why a rushed situation may become harder when both parent and child are distressed.Importantly, research does not establish that parental hurry directly causes tantrums. Instead, it offers insights into the developmental and emotional factors that may make these moments difficult.

Why a simple instruction can trigger a big reaction

For an adult, leaving the playground means stopping one activity and moving on to the next. For a child, it could mean giving up a favourite game, leaving friends behind or accepting that something enjoyable has ended before they were ready.Young children are also developing executive function: the mental skills involved in controlling impulses, shifting attention, planning and adapting to change.Harvard University’s Center on the Developing Child explains how executive function develops. These skills do not emerge fully formed in early childhood. Children gradually learn to manage competing demands, change focus and control their immediate reactions. Imagine asking a three-year-old to stop building a tower, put away the blocks and get ready for school. The child must disengage from an absorbing activity, accept the interruption and cooperate with a new routine. When the child is already tired or frustrated, managing all these demands can become harder.A 2023 study published in Infant Behavior and Development, involving 197 families, found that executive function at 14 months predicted aspects of emotional regulation during mother-child play at 24 months. The association was not found in observations involving fathers, highlighting the relationship-specific nature of the findings.The study, Developmental Links Between Executive Function and Emotion Regulation in Early Toddlerhood, does not examine rushed mornings, but it illustrates how children’s developing cognitive skills are connected with their ability to manage emotions.A tantrum, therefore, may reflect difficulty coping with a frustrating situation rather than a calculated attempt to challenge parental authority.

When parents are in a hurry, transitions such as getting dressed or leaving for school can become overwhelming for young children.

When the parent’s urgency adds to the tension

Consider a typical morning in an Indian household. A parent has an important work meeting, the school bus is expected shortly, and the child refuses to put on their uniform. The parent repeats the instruction, the child begins crying, and the parent responds more sharply. Soon, a disagreement over getting dressed becomes a full-blown meltdown.The parent is anxious about being late; the child is upset about the immediate demand. Neither may have the emotional space to respond calmly.This is where the concept of co-regulation becomes useful. It refers to the support caregivers provide as children learn to manage their emotions and behaviour.Research published in 2023 on executive function and emotional regulation supports the importance of considering the caregiver-child relationship when understanding how these skills develop. Parents cannot regulate every emotion for their children, but they can help them navigate distress through predictable routines, supportive responses and clear boundaries.A parent who says, “I know you want to keep playing. It is difficult to stop, but we have to leave now,” communicates both understanding and a limit. Repeatedly shouting “Hurry up!” may communicate urgency without helping the child manage the disappointment.This does not mean parents must remain perfectly calm or that a child will stop crying if spoken to gently. It means that increasing the pressure is not necessarily the same as helping the child cooperate.

What research says about tantrums

Tantrums are common in early childhood, but their frequency, duration and intensity can vary.A 2022 longitudinal study published in the Journal of Developmental & Behavioral Pediatrics examined parent reports of tantrums among 861 children aged one to five years. A smaller group was followed up approximately a year later.Researchers found that tantrum frequency generally declined with age, while duration increased across the age range studied. More frequent tantrums predicted more externalising problems, while longer tantrums predicted internalising problems in the follow-up analyses.These findings should not be used to label an occasional meltdown as a warning sign. They show why it is important to consider the overall pattern of behaviour rather than judge a child by one difficult morning.Another study, published in 2023 in Research on Child and Adolescent Psychopathology, followed 94 toddlers over a year and examined parenting approaches alongside observed tantrum severity. The researchers found that greater use of power assertion and less consistency predicted increases in tantrum severity over time.The study, Parental Discipline Techniques and Changes in Observed Temper Tantrum Severity in Toddlers, suggests that the way adults respond to challenging behaviour may matter. However, its relatively small sample means the findings should be interpreted cautiously.Taken together, this research supports a balanced approach: acknowledge children’s distress, maintain appropriate boundaries and avoid assuming that every tantrum is deliberate misbehaviour.

How parents can handle tantrums when they are running late

1. Acknowledge the feeling without changing the boundaryInstead of saying, “Stop crying, we are already late,” try: “You wanted to play longer. I know you are upset. Now we have to go.”This recognises the child’s disappointment without suggesting that crying will cancel the departure.2. Give a small choice“Do you want to wear the blue shoes or the red ones?” gives the child some control while keeping the decision manageable.This can be more helpful than turning the moment into a long negotiation. Offer choices only when both options are acceptable.3. Give advance warningsAt the park, tell your child, “Five more minutes, then we are going home,” and give another reminder when the time is nearly up.A warning cannot guarantee a tantrum-free departure, but it gives the child an opportunity to prepare for the transition rather than experience it as an abrupt interruption.4. Use fewer words during the tantrumWhen a child is highly distressed, a lengthy explanation about punctuality or responsibility is unlikely to be useful in that moment. Keep your words simple: “You are upset. I am here. We need to get ready.”Prioritise safety and help the child settle before discussing what happened.5. Make the routine less rushed where possiblePack school bags, prepare clothes and organise essentials the previous evening. Build a little extra time into departures when feasible.These changes will not eliminate tantrums, but they may reduce the number of last-minute demands placed on both parent and child.

What if the tantrum happens in public?

A child screaming at a supermarket checkout or refusing to leave a birthday party can make a parent feel judged by everyone around them. That pressure may create an additional urge to stop the behaviour immediately.Try to separate the child’s distress from the reactions of bystanders. If possible, move to a quieter, safer place and speak calmly. If it is time to leave, maintain the boundary while offering comfort.There is no need to turn the episode into a public lecture about obedience. Once the child is calmer, you can talk about what happened and practise a more manageable way to handle the transition next time.

When should parents seek help?

Parents should consider consulting a paediatrician or child mental health professional if tantrums are persistently intense, unusually prolonged, involve repeated injury to the child or others, significantly disrupt everyday life, or occur alongside other developmental concerns.The important consideration is the pattern, not one isolated episode.

The takeaway

When a child throws a tantrum just as the family is running late, it can feel as though they have chosen the worst possible moment to resist. But understanding the demands of emotional regulation can help parents see the situation differently.The school bus may not wait, the family may have to leave the park, and the television still needs to be switched off. Boundaries remain important.The aim is not to prevent every tantrum or give in to every demand. It is to help children gradually learn to handle disappointment and transitions without turning every difficult feeling into a battle.Sometimes, the most useful response is to hold the boundary firmly while remembering that a child who is struggling to cope is not necessarily trying to make things harder.