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I’m not afraid to say it: Andy Burnham has played a blinder. The PM has done the one thing guaranteed to win my abiding loyalty and respect for the rest of his premiership, however long it may last: outlawing “headphone dodging” on public transport.
The annoying practice is a relatively new phenomenon, one that’s grown in line with smartphone and social media use over the past decade. Although it’s commonly committed by the young, it’s certainly not confined to them. I’ve witnessed offenders of all ages, whether it be on buses, trains, tubes or trams, indulging in this most anti-social of anti-social behaviours: watching videos, films, or listening to music on their phones out loud, caring not a fig for the rest of the poor passengers around them. What is a matter with people?
The worst, of course, is those who play an endless stream of frenetic, 10-second TikTok videos back-to-back for the duration of the journey – enough to make even the most sane among us feel like our brains are disintegrating into baby food within approximately three minutes.
In a win for annoyed Brits everywhere who are far too, well, British, to actually say anything when confronted with this heinous act, Burnham has vowed to crack down on headphone dodgers, unveiling a new campaign against nuisance behaviour on public transport that goes hand in hand with guidance enabling local transport authorities to dish out fines of up to £100.
“We’ve all been on the train when someone starts blasting music or videos from their phone. It gets on your nerves and can quickly spoil the journey,” Burnham said in a statement. “So, we’re launching a nationwide campaign reminding passengers to use headphones on trains… It’s a simple thing, but one that will make journeys that little bit better for all of us.”
It’s a smart move and even a potential vote winner; I’m far from the only one who simply cannot abide the constant, localised noise pollution that’s become the norm in public spaces. More than 60 per cent of voters back action against people who play music or videos out loud, according to a YouGov poll – in fact, they’d go far further than the latest proposals, adding an extra zero and endorsing £1,000 fines for such behaviour.
Local leaders are also being given new powers to tackle vaping and littering on buses, granted under the Bus Services Act.
It’s a strong and welcome start to the UK potentially becoming a nation associated with politeness and gentility once more – part of the MBCA (Make Britain Civilised Again) campaign, if you will – but it’s also the tip of the anti-social iceberg. Here are six other bad behaviours that I believe deserve to be criminalised, asap.
Spitting
Have you noticed the number of people – let’s be frank, men – who think it perfectly acceptable to spit openly in public these days? Not into a tissue, mind, but straight onto the pavement and often accompanied by a very loud, grim, throat-clearing sound. Frequently (but not exclusively) perpetrated by runners, it is pretty much sums up everything wrong with modern society.
Bin blindness
Thankfully, this also comes under the new public transport powers – but leaving your rubbish anywhere in this green and pleasant land should come with a community service sentence at the very least, if you ask me. While fly-tipping comes with huge penalties, what of the person who leaves their sandwich wrapper on a train table, a tin of Red Bull left to dribble between the aisles of a bus, or even the coffee cups on an office table after a meeting? It reeks of entitlement: the belief that you are somehow too important to pick up after yourself and that the cleaning fairy will come along after you and sort it out. Let me be clear: you’re not, and she won’t.
Feet on seats
This ghastly practice is often observed on public transport, but it can also happen in any public space with seating: people popping their “trotters up” (to use the excellent parlance of Danny Dyer in reference to former PM David Cameron) on other available chairs in the vicinity, as if the entire world was their own personal living room. Whether those feet are in shoes, socks or (shudder) bare, just know this is completely unacceptable.
Not moving down inside the carriage
People on a busy train, bus or London Underground service who refuse to “move down inside the carriage” (despite being expressly advised to do so) and enjoying a breezy 10-inch parameter of space all about their person while everyone else is forced to sweatily cram nose to armpit into the doorway… just know that one day ye shall reap what ye sow.
Speakerphone and FaceTime calls
This goes hand in hand with playing what’s on your phone aloud in a public setting. What’s wrong with having a private conversation? Why must the whole world be subjected to both ends of what’s likely to be a supremely tedious exchange? (The only caveat to this is if you’re having a genuinely salacious, gossip-worthy chat – in which case have at it, I’m more than happy to drop some eaves.)
Drinking (in the wrong way)
On public transport, and other public settings – parks, for instance, canal-sides or the beach – there’s drinking, and there’s drinking. Enjoying one train tinnie for the road as a Friday treat after a long week at work? Fine. Down multiple cans on the trot while becoming louder and more lairy with a group of mates, low-key intimidating and harassing everyone else around you? Not cool, my friend. And really not cool when you leave your empties behind.
