Readers have been sharing their own experiences of how age-gap relationships impact families, after Ellie Muir spoke to those who have had to accept their parent’s new, much younger partner.
One commenter described the “terrible message” her father’s much younger girlfriend sent about a woman’s worth, while another detailed 37 happy years with their older partner despite decades of opposition from her children.
Many pushed back on the idea that adult children should have any say at all in their parents relationships. A happy union between two consenting adults, they argued, is nobody else’s business but theirs – whatever the age gap.
Here’s what you had to say:
A terrible message about a woman’s value
My father left my mum for someone 30 years his junior. It left me with a terrible message about how men decide a woman’s value and that they have a shelf life. These things hurt children. And yes, I was a child. I thought it was true. I have since learned to fight patriarchy and not accept these stereotypes as gospel. It just shows how limited and immature some men can be, and how terrified they are of approaching old age. If he had left for a woman his own age, I would have had more respect.
I was understanding and kind
Age-gap relationships can be problematic, but it depends very much on the couples concerned, as well as the attitude of those most directly involved. I have known several such relationships, where the gap has been over 20 years, and in a couple of cases over 30 years, and those couples stayed together happily for decades.
It’s very difficult for many people to understand what attracts one human being to another at the best of times, and although in some cases wealth is the draw, in many other cases two people simply feel a strong sense of connection and things such as age, skin colour, sex, religion or whatever suddenly seem unimportant. It’s known as love.
My own father fell in love with a woman my age some years after my mother died, and I would like to think I did my very best to be understanding and kind. Sadly his feelings were not reciprocated, but that can happen with anybody at any age. I’ve noticed that a lot of adult children can be very judgemental when it comes to their parents’ happiness – a trait that is most unattractive.
Thirty-seven years of happiness despite opposition
There was a 26-year age gap. I was 29, she was 55 (when we met, she had been trying to get divorced for 12 years). We had 37 years of Utopia until she passed 18 months ago, with 30 years of the most egregious opposition from her children. You would have thought they would have been happy that she was happy, but quite the opposite – a phoney hankering for the status quo, no matter the cost, a life that never was. I suppose they wanted to control the narrative in a reactionary way.
I was her carer, and it became 24/7; not a finger of help. From the first date till the last day, we were stealing kisses. All the nurses on each ward said they had never seen a husband like me. A woman with dementia in the last ward stopped in her tracks and commented on how gentle I was with her. In our case, it’s about shared values from viewpoints on life.
The age-gap ‘rule’
General rule: take your age, divide by 2, then add 7. That equals the age where the gap is ‘supposedly’ OK. Once the gap hits 15, the age difference is too large – 15 being a rough generational gap. This is based on levels of maturity and life experience that would tend toward unstable relationships. Power imbalances and coercion also factor in. We tend to condemn these relationships when they occur in ‘traditional’ (i.e. backward) societies, but celebrate them among the glitterati. Go figure.
Introducing her as his new mum
My son’s a few years younger than my second wife, and when we went to his wedding recently he got drunk and went around introducing her as his new mum – which really didn’t impress his old mum. Priceless memories.
Sex might be a smaller consideration
‘I’m questioning whether my dad has had sexual feelings towards my friends’ – you know, it’s not all, or even mainly, about sexual feelings. It can be about many things: the way we look at the world, the things we both find beautiful and fulfilling, the wit of conversation. Sex might be a smaller consideration. To see relationships as primarily a sexual union is a mistake. If the sex is dominant, the chances are the relationship won’t last.
These children wouldn’t exist otherwise
But these children wouldn’t exist otherwise. If you gave them the choice of 1) not existing and 2) having parents of different ages, I wonder what they’d choose. In addition, there can be disastrous mismatched couples the same age who provide an unsatisfactory environment for children, or harmonious pairs who are older and provide a warm and supportive upbringing. That’s what’s important.
It’s up to the two people involved
This is an age-old situation, not a problem. When two people meet, and if there is a perceived age gap, then let them carry on with their own lives. I have noticed in my life, and in comments on others, that many of those who make judgements are either married or in a strong, secure relationship. If any of them found themselves in a large age-gap situation, would they still stand in judgement? It is up to the two people in this situation how they feel about each other.
Some of the comments have been edited for this article for brevity and clarity.
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