Out of the Mouths of Babes
Dear Work Friend,
My husband is the head of his department, and for several years we’ve hosted a social gathering every spring at our home. All are welcome, including children and spouses. The vibe is warm, familial and casual.
Recently, my husband has been experiencing some tension with subordinates — normal workplace stuff, but some folks take that tension home. I know this because of an odd conversation I had at the most recent gathering. One of the co-workers’ children came up to me and declared, with curious glee (as if to gauge my reaction?), “Today is a sad day!” The child had been running around quite happily, so I was puzzled. “Why is it a sad day?” I asked. “Because Charlie has the best parties, but we don’t like Charlie.” (Charlie is my husband.) Stunned, I replied, “Wow, that’s a really mean thing to say.” The child shrugged and said, “That’s what my mom said.” I dropped the subject and excused myself.
In retrospect, I’ve understood that this child was probably reporting a conversation his parents had in the car on the way to our home, i.e., it’s too bad that such a fun party is hosted by a person we despise (who also happens to be a person I love, of course). The interaction troubled me for a couple of days. In the end, I decided not to share it with my husband, nor did I reach out to the co-worker at the root of the interaction. I couldn’t see how either action would help, but the exchange has left a bad taste in my mouth.
Did I do the right thing by letting it drop?
— Socially Awkward
Kids say all kinds of rude and stupid things. When my 5-year-old tells me that he won’t invite me to his birthday party because I’ve gently suggested he eat one single bite of the plain quesadilla he demanded I make for him, I try to let it roll off my back. He doesn’t really know what’s going on, or what he’s talking about. By this principle, I’d like to think that, in the event a child at my home told me their parents hated my wife, I could shrug and open another beer.
Admittedly, it’s no fun to have your spouse vilified by someone who can’t even do long division. But it gives me pause that this conversation gave you so much pause. Why did this trouble you for days? Reading your letter, I’m having a hard time squaring the idea that the tension at your husband’s office is “normal workplace stuff” with the idea that his subordinates might “despise” him. If the trouble at work really is standard friction, I doubt your husband’s colleagues really hate him, and it’s much more likely you’re particularly sensitive to criticism of someone you love.
This is an admirable quality, and it probably makes you a sympathetic and supportive ear at home. But the fact that you were even considering the possibility of reaching out to his co-worker tells me that you need to recalibrate your sensitivity, for your husband’s sake as much as yours.
On the other hand, if his subordinates really do “despise” him, that implies something worse than “normal workplace” tension. If this is the case — and I’d trust your gut — then I think you do need to say something to him, less for the sake of snitching on your party guest and more because he may need to hear directly that the tensions he believes are ordinary have in fact metastasized.
You’ll have a better sense than I of the specific problems of his potential mismanagement, and of any mitigating circumstances — and most important, a better sense than a little brat of how to communicate the problem to him.
