I’m a psychologist who studies couples—here’s the No. 1 thing people fight about in relationships
When people ask me what couples fight about the most, they expect the usual suspects like money, sex or parenting. But after years of research, and from real-life experience in my own marriage, the answer is much simpler: tone of voice.
That’s right. It’s not the dishes in the sink or the unpaid credit card bill. It’s how partners speak to each other about those things that creates tension.
One study found that when we interpret messages, only a small portion comes from the actual words. The rest? It’s all nonverbal: facial expressions, body language, and especially tone.
When we argue with someone we love, tone tends to dominate because it carries emotional weight. A clipped delivery can sound like blame. A flat one might feel like indifference. Sarcasm can come across as contempt.
We often don’t remember the exact words said in a fight. But we do remember how our partner sounded and how it made us feel.
Mark Travers, PhD, is a psychologist who specializes in relationships. He holds degrees from Cornell University and the University of Colorado Boulder. He is the lead psychologist at Awake Therapy, a telehealth company that provides online psychotherapy, counseling, and coaching. He is also the curator of the popular mental health and wellness website, Therapytips.org.
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