Billy Joel recalls when he didn’t ‘want to live anymore’, attempted suicide

Billy Joel is sharing one of the darkest and most painful chapters of his life in his new documentary, Billy Joel: And So It Goes. The first part of the film premiered on Wednesday, June 4, at the Tribeca Festival in New York City, offering a deeply personal look into a time when the legendary musician nearly lost himself.

Now 76, Joel reveals in the documentary that he attempted suicide twice in his early 20s, following an affair with the wife of his then-best friend and bandmate, Jon Small. 

At the time, Joel was part of the band Attila and had moved in with Small, his wife Elizabeth Weber, and their young son. 

As Joel tells it, the relationship with Elizabeth grew gradually. 

“Bill and I spent a lot of time together,” Elizabeth says in the documentary, calling it a “slow build.” When Small sensed something was going on, Joel admitted, “I’m in love with your wife.”

“I felt very, very guilty about it. They had a child. I felt like a homewrecker,” Joel says. “I was just in love with a woman and I got punched in the nose which I deserved. Jon was very upset. I was very upset.”

That confrontation brought Attila to an end and caused a rift between the two friends. Elizabeth left, and Joel spiraled. 

“I had no place to live. I was sleeping in laundromats and I was depressed I think to the point of almost being psychotic,” he recalls. 

“So I figured, ‘That’s it. I don’t want to live anymore.’ I was just in a lot of pain and it was sort of like why hang out, tomorrow is going to be just like today is and today sucks. So, I just thought I’d end it all.”

His sister, Judy Molinari, who was working as a medical assistant at the time, gave him sleeping pills to help him rest. But Joel had something else in mind. 

“But Billy decided that he was going to take all of them… he was in a coma for days and days and days,” Judy says, holding back tears, as per People. 

“I went to go see him in the hospital, and he was laying there white as a sheet. I thought that I’d killed him.”

Joel describes that moment as “very selfish” and admitted that when he woke up in the hospital, he wanted to try again—this time “right.” 

He later attempted to take his life again by drinking a bottle of lemon Pledge. It was Jon Small who rushed him to the hospital and ultimately saved him.

“Even though our friendship was blowing up, Jon saved my life,” Joel says. 

Small reflects on the heartbreak of their situation and adds, “He never really said anything to me, the only practical answer I can give as to why Billy took it so hard was because he loved me that much and that it killed him to hurt me that much. Eventually I forgave him.”

After those painful attempts, Joel checked himself into an “observation ward.” He described himself during that time as a “lost soul,” but the experience ended up being transformative. 

“I got out of the observation ward and I thought to myself, you can utilize all those emotions to channel that stuff into music,” he says.

Billy Joel: And So It Goes will be released on HBO in July, giving fans an honest and raw look at the man behind the music.

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