Chris Appleton recalls difficulties of coming out to former partner and children

Chris Appleton has shared the challenges of coming out as gay to his former partner, Katie Katon, and their two children.

The celebrity hairstylist, 42, recalled coming out in his twenties during Tuesday’s episode of Jay Shetty’s podcast, On Purpose. He confessed that he “held [his] breath” about his sexuality from the age of eight to 27, and he just couldn’t do that anymore.

“[There was] the shame of, ‘Well, I’m going to hurt all these people I’ve created this life with,’” he said. “So I kept pulling back, and I had to let go.”

Appleton said that when he could “finally be honest” with himself about his sexuality, he then told Katon, whom he had known since age 13 and had been dating for “nine magical years.”

“That was a process,” he said about coming out to Katon. “I also had to respect that she needed to go through her own grief.”

“Because I loved her. I really loved her,” the hairstylist, who notably works for Kim Kardashian and Jennifer Lopez, added. “I didn’t want to be gay. I didn’t want to be different.”

However, once Appleton told Katon, he shared the news with his entire family, including his and his ex’s two children, who are both now adults: Billy, 21, and Kitty-Blu, 20.

“The hardest part was telling my kids. And I think mentally for me, I couldn’t really ever get my head around that,” he said. He noted that when he came out, he wanted to “protect” his children, and he was worried they’d “get bullied” because their dad was gay.

“I know the things that kids say and how mean they could be. I just didn’t want them to ever had that shame put onto them,” he said. “In a way it felt like a disease, it felt like cancer and I wanted to cut it out. Like, ‘if I could just get rid of that then I could be a good dad.’ Cause that’s what they need. I just felt so selfish putting myself first.”

Appleton confessed that his then-young children were “upset” and “confused” when he came out, and he felt guilty about that.

“All of a sudden, I just felt like I just messed their life up. I felt like I’d failed as a dad because my job was to protect them,” he continued. “And if anyone ever hurt them, I would protect them. But I was the one hurting them. And I couldn’t understand that.”

He said that he “felt so much shame” after that conversation that he began to have thoughts of suicide.

“I felt like it would be better for them to have a dad that was dead than a dad that was gay,” he explained. “And so I brought some painkillers, I brought a bottle of alcohol and I checked myself into a hotel.”

While he held onto a computer case with his children’s handwriting, Appleton took the tablets and drank the alcohol. He then called Katon and apologized for the pain he caused before closing his eyes.

Everything after that was “a blur” for Appleton, since he next remembered waking up in a hospital, where he had a realization that changed everything for him.

“I just remember thinking, ‘What about if I just surrender? What about if I’m just gay and I just be that?’” he explained. “I don’t really know where to begin with it, and I don’t know where it’s going to lead me, but it has to be better than what I’ve been doing. And in that moment, something changed. I decided to live.

He acknowledged that while this was the “darkest night of [his] life,” it was a “turning point” for him. He also said he was sharing this story for other people who have struggled to come out, with the hope they could “find the help they need.”

If you are experiencing feelings of distress, or are struggling to cope, you can speak to the Samaritans, in confidence, on 116 123 (UK and ROI), email jo@samaritans.org, or visit the Samaritans website to find details of your nearest branch.

If you are based in the USA, and you or someone you know needs mental health assistance right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Helpline on 1-800-273-TALK (8255). This is a free, confidential crisis hotline that is available to everyone 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

If you are in another country, you can go to www.befrienders.org to find a helpline near you.