A friend of mine recently went on the worst first date of her life. “He kept talking about how hard it is to be a man on the apps,” she sighed, recalling how this attractive, successful, interesting man had a chip on his shoulder about the dating landscape. According to him, women only wanted casual sex. And because there were so many more single attractive women than single attractive men, these women are just out there ruining men’s lives by sleeping around – when all men like him want to do is settle down.
“I think he was an incel,” she later suggested. I asked if there were any other red flags. “Well, he doesn’t speak to his mum or sister.” Both of us agreed this was the ultimate warning sign: if a partner has unhealthy family dynamics, specifically with just the female members of his family, run a mile.
Clearly, I’m not the only person who subscribes to this theory. Take a look at some of the reactions to Elizabeth Hurley, 59, and Billy Ray Cyrus, 63, who seemingly confirmed over the weekend that they were an item, eight months after Cyrus’s divorce from his former wife, Firerose, 36. “Happy Easter,” Hurley wrote in an Instagram caption alongside a picture of Cyrus kissing her on the cheek. While some of Hurley’s fans congratulated the actor and entrepreneur on her new relationship, others questioned what she saw in a musician who has a famously fraught relationship with his family – which includes his very successful daughter, Miley.
“Wait…. what?” commented the actor Melissa Gilbert. “Damn did all the other single men on earth die or what,” another person wrote in a comment that has been liked more than 1,500 times. “Is anyone else wondering why she’s not seeing the [red flags],” someone else wrote. Others went so far as to question whether the photo was a prank. But the majority focused on dredging up Cyrus’s family history and using it to justify their views regarding Hurley’s choice of partner.
Negativity has been surrounding Cyrus for a few months. Back in January, he performed at the inauguration of Donald Trump, a set that was later branded “an epic disaster” due to technical issues. Following the gig, Cyrus’s adopted son and fellow musician Trace, 36, posted a statement about his father referencing his concerns. “We haven’t talked in a while but I’m over a year and half clean from alcohol. Guess what? I feel amazing,” Trace wrote. He added: “Me and the girls have been genuinely worried about you for years but you’ve pushed all of us away […] I don’t know what you’re struggling with exactly but I think I have a pretty good idea and I’d love to help you if you would open up and receive the help. You know how to reach me. Till that day comes I will continue to pray for you.”
Firerose, whom Cyrus filed for divorce from after just seven months, added her own two cents: “What’s being seen in public now reflects much of what I experienced in private during our relationship,” she told People magazine.
A brief rundown of what happened before all this: Cyrus was married to Tish (Miley’s mother) for almost 30 years. In 2022, they announced their divorce. The couple have three children together, including Miley, 32, Braison, 30, and Noah, 25, in addition to Brandi, 37, and Trace, 36, Tish’s two children from a previous marriage whom Billy adopted. Signs of potential tensions within the family have percolated ever since the divorce, with only some of Tish’s children attending her wedding to Dominic Purcell in 2023 and Miley omitting her dad from her Grammys acceptance speech in 2024. After thanking her mother, sister and partner, Maxx Morando, she added, “I don’t think I forgot anyone. But I might have forgotten underwear. Bye!”
Meanwhile, in an interview on the Call Her Daddy podcast, Tish expressed regret at not having left the marriage sooner: “Looking back on it, it would have been better for [youngest daughter Noah] had I left. It would have been much better.” Miley opened up about her relationship with her father on My Next Guest Needs No Introduction with David Letterman last year: “Without my dad, I know… who I am as a person wouldn’t exist,” she said. Later she joked: “I also inherited … narcissism from my father.”
Beyond that, who really knows what’s going on within the Cyrus family? What we do know is that dating someone involved in significant family drama is something to be done with a serious amount of caution. Anyone who’s ever had therapy or a TikTok account will know that your family relationships will inevitably shape your romantic life in some way – it’s just how it works. While it’s not fair to judge everyone based on their childhood trauma and how frequently they call their mother, these things can play a pretty pivotal role in the kind of partner someone might be.
“Generally, problems within a family that are deep-rooted and very long term can be a warning sign because it can dictate how that person relates to their romantic relationship,” says Ammanda Major, relationship counsellor and head of clinical practice at the charity Relate. “Are they constantly drawn into the drama so it takes up all their time? Are they always stressed by it so there’s no emotional room for their partner? Have they cut their family off?”
These might be some potential warning signs that someone’s family issues are going to get in the way of their relationship with you. “It comes down to whether or not they’re ever able to be present with you,” adds Major. “Can they talk about issues with you without focusing on their family and looking at your own needs? If they can’t, then you’re with the wrong person.”
Can they talk about issues with you without focusing on their family and looking at your own needs? If they can’t, then you’re with the wrong person
Ammanda Major, Relationship Counsellor and Head of Clinical Practice at the charity, Relate
It could also be worth questioning why you might be drawn to someone with those sorts of difficulties, which can foster another layer of unhealthy dynamics. “Sometimes we’re attracted to partners because we want to rescue them from a difficult situation,” says Major, who advises against going down this path. “The partner might be really grateful for this and it will work for a while until their family problems become overwhelming and you start to get into a difficult dialogue between your partner in the family. Maybe you’ll even start being blamed for causing gulfs between family members, for example.”
That all being said, jumping to conclusions is never wise. Any suspicions you have about someone based on their family dynamics should be interrogated before leading you to make any sudden decisions. “It’s important to approach this kind of situation with curiosity rather than judgement,” says Dr Elena Touroni, a consultant psychologist and co-founder of The Chelsea Psychology Clinic. “Family estrangement is often complex and emotionally charged – there may be trauma, long-standing conflict or difficult choices behind the decision to cut ties.”
In some cases, it’s also valuable to consider that estrangement can be a sign of healthy relationship behavioural patterns as opposed to toxicity. “It’s not necessarily a sign of poor character,” adds Dr Touroni. “People distance themselves from family for all sorts of valid reasons – sometimes stepping away is actually a protective choice.” The tell-tale sign as to whether or not family issues are likely to be a red flag will be in how they communicate about those issues. “Like whether they take responsibility for any part they played,” says Dr Touroni. “How they relate to others in their life can … offer valuable clues about how they handle emotional complexity and conflict.”
Ultimately, drama or not, all of us come from somewhere and very few families are entirely free from any sort of problems. “It’s not about finding someone without any family issues because that would be impossible,” says Major. “Instead, it’s about measuring how much time there is for you and how much there is for the other person trying to sort out their family difficulties. It’s a balancing act.” Perhaps it’s best to just make sure the balance feels equal, or at least a little tipped in your favour.
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