I am getting married in two weeks, and I’m really excited! We have been planning this wedding for nine months. One of our biggest scheduling concerns was my fiancé’s brother: He’s in the Army. Yesterday, he told my fiancé that his wife would not be joining him at the wedding. Last week, she auditioned to be a dancer for a professional football team and was offered the job. (There’s a game on our wedding day.) I am shocked and hurt that she made this decision! I am also shocked that my future brother-in-law supports his wife’s choice. Even my future mother-in-law is making excuses for her, saying it’s always been her dream. Should I accept her decision — or call her to tell her how disappointed I am?
BRIDE
I certainly understand your excitement for your wedding day! But I’d like to help you understand something else, too. Most people I know face challenges that aren’t fully appreciated by others. Serving in the military is a great example: There’s often a risk of grave injury and prolonged separation from family. That can be rough on a marriage. So, if this couple’s hardship is eased by your future sister-in-law reaching her dream of dancing at professional football games, I say dance it up!
Now, this response requires perspective from you, and I don’t blame you for resisting it initially. Of course you want your families there to celebrate your big day! But that doesn’t make it the only priority. If you had just landed your dream job — probably against some stiff competition — would you want your first interaction with your new boss to be to ask for a day off? (I wouldn’t.)
Try to be happy for your future sister-in-law. You are both getting something that you want. Congratulate her on her new gig. Now, you may not mean it wholeheartedly when you do, but trust me: Life is long. And there is no sense in starting your married life in a snit over someone else’s dream come true.
Professional Dress, Professionally Addressed
A woman who works for me dresses provocatively. We work in a formal, professional setting. One day, she wore a black lace dress with cleavage. I blurted out: “Boy, you’re dressed up for a Monday!” (She told me she had a date that night.) I receive complaints from co-workers that her outfits are distracting and unprofessional. I contacted human resources, and they told me to handle it. Help!
FEMALE BOSS
Frankly, it seems to me that both you and your company are failing your subordinate. You haven’t said anything about her background or experience. But your job, as her boss, is to provide reasonable guidance and mentorship: Here, that means sitting down with her privately to discuss appropriate clothing for the workplace — not shaming her with cracks about being overdressed.
Your human resources department has let you both down. Telling you to “handle” the problem without giving you any tools to do so was a dereliction. Go back to H.R. and ask for specific guidance. Then speak to your employee again about her wardrobe. Supervisors supervise!
Before the Appreciation, the Inquisition
My husband and I hosted a birthday party for our toddler. All her preschool classmates attended. When we got home, we made a list of gifts and givers so we could write thank-you notes later. We noticed that one girl wasn’t on the list, but we weren’t sure if there was a mix-up or if she hadn’t brought a present. So, we sent her mother a lighthearted text: No pressure, but did you bring a gift? She replied that she hadn’t. Now we feel guilty for asking. We didn’t mean to shame her! We just wanted to thank her if she had. What should we have done?
MOM
Stop being so hard on yourself, for starters! We all put our feet in our mouths occasionally. The point of good manners isn’t to write thank-you notes or to use the correct spoon for your health. It’s to prevent rough patches — and to smooth them over when they inevitably occur.
Here, you wanted to verify the accuracy of your thank-you note list. But if that required asking a guest whether she brought a gift — thus putting her on the spot and possibly making her feel bad — then your list should have taken a back seat to your guests’ feelings. Next time you’re unsure, simply thank the guest for coming and leave gifts out of it, OK?
When the Lobby Becomes a Lending Library
A concierge in my apartment building, who is friendly and helpful, reads novels to pass quiet stretches at his desk. He has passed a few of them on to me after he’s finished them. My problem: What to do if he tries to give me a book I don’t want? He’s very insistent, and I don’t want to hurt his feelings.
TENANT
There is nothing remotely hurtful about saying, “No, thank you,” in this situation. It is not your job to appease the insistent concierge. (I know this can be hard for people-pleasers!) If “no, thanks” doesn’t stop him, try: “I’ve enjoyed several of your recommendations, but I’m going to pass on this one. Thanks.” Then walk away.
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to SocialQ@nytimes.com, Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.
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